


For Better or For Worse

by ankostone



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-09-14 01:41:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9151165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ankostone/pseuds/ankostone
Summary: Despite what everyone tells Emil, he knows in his heart Leon has to love him. It's the only way. Right?





	

Emil was rereading the texts over and over again, as he sat in his bed with his laptop burning his legs despite his pants, but he seemed numbed to the sensation. It had been three weeks since Leon decided that they needed another break from each other.

"I am bad for you." The text explained, and Emil wasn't disagreeing. Leon had brought out many things the teenager had never thought he had in him. A craving so strong that it left him parched, and at the same time Leon managed to make Emil seethed with anger and a violence that one seemed to release itself once a fist found a wall, or a scream left his throat and found itself muffled in his tear stained pillow.

This had been another break. They never were really dating. Just the occasional flirt and make out, but they always seemed to be on some sort of rollercoaster of feelings, at least in the case of Leon, who at one moment seemed to desperately need Emil whether as an escape or as a craving, and then the ride dipped and suddenly Emil was toxic or Leon wasn't good enough. However Emil's feelings always were more mixed.

He was never quite sure of anything when it came to these matters. One minute he agreed that he was better off without Leon. The next he did everything in his power to make him stay. But despite all, one feeling remained true, no matter how long they were apart and no matter what Leon said to him or about him.

Emil was absolutely in love with him.

Emil never really did well when Leon left. He was always either moody, throwing attitude, or he felt nothing at all. In either case, it was evident to the other Nordics when Emil was going through shit, and it always involved the little Asian boy.

Mathias was always genuinely kind to Emil when it came to these matters, and though he was not the first person Emil ran to when his heart was broken and his chest was heavy, Mathias always reminded him of his importance, and it made Emil feel like he really was cared for. However, that didn't mean that Mathias was always supportive when Emil explained he missed his lover. He was always very understanding when Emil seemed to be panicking over a cryptic message sent by the always alluding Leon, but he was constantly trying to explain to Emil that Leon was truly no good for him.

"Look what that boy's done to you Emil." He tried to explain. "You're crying because you're terrified he's going to be mad. You didn't do anything wrong, and yet he's threatened you so much, you're scared." Of course Emil never addressed those things. He would always change the subject, claiming he wasn't crying, or if he truly had no defense, he would defend Leon, explaining how it was his own fault the Asian was so stressed, and that if he was a better boyfriend or friend or whatever they were at said time, then Leon wouldn't have to feel like leaving in the first place. Mathias never could get through to him.

Lukas was a different story. Whenever Lukas found out about another incident with Leon, he was quick to anger.

"Why are you even letting him in your life? Look what he's done to you." He would say flatly, but Emil could always detect the slightest change in demeanor, and it was always especially apparent on the subject of Leon.

Lukas would get angry, and often times it would be directed at Emil, despite all his anger coming from what Leon was doing to his brother. The mind games he played, how he toyed with every single feeling Emil had left in him. It was disgusting, watching the only kin he had fall into a pit of self-loathing and fear, all because of an infatuation with a boy who only seemed to return it on occasion. He didn't understand how Emil didn't see it, and truth be known, Lukas honestly thought Emil ignored it all. Lukas believed that Emil was so desperate to be loved, he ignored all the obvious signs of mental abuse. And perhaps it was true.

But Emil didn't see himself being abused. He saw himself as not good enough.

But things were different this time. Emil didn't know it, but oh god how things were different.

Emil had really gotten better. Maybe it wasn't as evident now, as he scrolled through the messages he didn't have the courage to delete, in fear that if he lost the only evidence that Leon had once loved him, then maybe it would become painfully obvious that he never did. But truly Emil was getting better. He no longer read the letters Leon had written him when he was away in China where he could not always message him and small poems of endearment were his only form of communication. Leon always seemed to be the most loving when they didn't see each other constantly.

Emil hadn't spoken of Leon in a week either, something he hadn't failed to mention to Mathias, who congratulated him for being so courageous. This didn't feel like courage to Emil, but who was he to turn down the compliment? Overall, Emil truly was beginning to see a future without Leon. He was seeing himself move on, and be happy. He was ready to let go. Not completely, but maybe he could open himself up to more. More friends who would love him and treat him goodbye. Maybe someone who would fall in love with him and not with the idea of being in love that Leon seemed to crave.

But who would expect things to be so easy? Who was he to think he could be okay?

He knew things were spiraling out of control when his phone buzzed. No one ever texted him. His only friends seemed to be the Nordics anymore, though he had also recently reached out to a few members of the world who often were not named on maps like him. He ignored it at first, figuring it to be a data notification most likely, until his phone buzzed again. Then again.

And suddenly he couldn't ignore it anymore. Whatever it was trying to get a hold of him obviously couldn't wait for him to finish the video he had decided to watch rather than reread Leon's messages again. He sighed and pulled down the notification to see what it was. Perhaps it was Mathias, trying to check in or sending him some silly picture he had found on the internet. Hell, it could be Sadik trying to find out when his next visit was going to be (something he had been putting off since it meant time away from the internet.) But upon seeing the notification he could have only wished it had been either of the two large males pestering him. This was the last thing he seemed to want.

'Emil I am so sorry. I know I do this so much but I am truly sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I do this so much and yet you have still always stuck by me. I miss you, and I want you in my life. I understand though if you don't want me in yours. I really fucked up, and I just miss seeing you happy. I know you probably won't respond, and honestly you have every right to hate me. But I want you in my life again. Please just give me another chance. I will try so hard not to hurt you. But all I do is hurt, and you know that more than anyone. Just please know how hard I try, and how much I miss you.'

The message had been broken up into three different parts, making it seem dramatic and each part made Emil feel sicker. He was so confused. Why would he return now?

Emil threw his phone onto the bed and covered his mouth, afraid he might scream, or laugh, or vomit, or all three. Suddenly he felt like he was on that roller coaster all over again, and he could barely handle it. His arms shook, from fear or from sadness, Emil couldn't figure out the difference. He wanted to call out, for anyone to come and help him. But of course, that would be silly. He needed to calm down. This much reaction, over a message he received so many times before? But each time Emil read them, he told himself the same things. 'This time it's different! Leon needs me! He wants me! He's just a little broken, I know how that is. He just needs time.

He just needs to be loved.'

But this time things really were different, but for whole other reasons. This time, Emil really questioned the motives behind this. He feared betrayal, and his lungs ached. No way. Leon wouldn't message him meaning to get his hopes up, just to intend to drive Emil into the ground. Leon was caring and calm. Emil knew Leon would never intentionally try and hurt him. But Emil also 'knew' Leon loved him, and therefore, Emil understood that he couldn't always rely on what he felt was true.

He didn't want to face this alone. He needed to know what to do. He feared if he did this by himself, he would slip up, and love everything. He decided he needed to speak with Lukas. Despite Lukas always being crueler about his opinions, Emil always ran to him first. Perhaps because he craved to be helped by his brother, who was supposed to have all the right answers. Maybe Emil just understood that Lukas was rude because he was brutally honest, something Emil was still trying to get used to.

Emil picked up his phone, which he put on silent, in fear that another vibration from it may once more be Leon, and he would be left again with a heavyweight in his chest. He started down the stairs in search for his brother, whom he had been staying with the last few nights, finding the empty house to be troubling when he was hurt.

Emil found him drinking coffee at the kitchen table. His eyes were red and blotchy, which Emil mistook for tired, unknowing that Lukas had been crying just the hour before, and he hadn't bothered to try and clean himself up.

Emil didn't know it, but Lukas was dealing with his own problems. He and Mathias had gotten into a fight, much different from any of the ones they were known for. Over the past few days, Mathias had been trying to convince Lukas to go see a doctor. His headaches were getting worse, and he hardly ate, unless coffee and aspirin was considered a meal. But the sleep deprived man lashed out, claiming to be find, and that the stupid Dane should 'mind his own goddamn business.' Mathias hadn't taken that kindly, and instead lashed out back, claiming that if he couldn't take care of himself than he was in no condition to be taking care of Emil, which struck a deep cord within the Norwegian whose pride and joy seemed to come from his success of Emil.

This had left Lukas in a terrible fit of anger and pain, uncaused by any of his problems except for that headache of a Danish man. But Emil had no clue, he hardly noticed Lukas's carelessness. Emil wasn't trying to be unknowing. For heaven's sake had he known all what Lukas was going through, his own problems would have been the last of his worries. But Emil missed the signs, and that was what doomed him.

"Norge?" Emil asked as he walked in, deciding to try and seem calm. But he wasn't calm. Lukas looked up at the boy, seeming uninterested, but that was just his face.

"What's wrong?" Lukas could recognize right away that something was wrong. Lukas could read Emil like a book, something that often caused Emil great discomfort, but perhaps in this case, it saved him the embarrassment of having to explain something truly was wrong.

"Leon messaged me." Emil said shortly. He wasn't sure what he was looking for. He wanted to be told what he should do, and at the same time they had to fall into something that he thought was right, which never was the logical thing of 'block him and move on with your life.'

Lukas raised an eyebrow, almost seeming interested, but it quickly disappeared and the look of apathy returned to his face. "So what?" He questioned. "Ignore him." He almost seemed to demand. But that wasn't what Emil wanted to hear, so he pressed on.

"You haven't even read the message." He said, pulling out his phone. He had received nothing new.

"I don't need to. It doesn't matter. You shouldn't even be talking to him." Lukas said, taking a sip from his mug. The anger was already beginning to show, which was a bit shocking. Lukas usually had a composed manner, or in the very least he was indifferent. But now Lukas seemed ready to strip Emil of everything that was Leon, and maybe even punch the kid in the face.

"You don't even know yet. Lukas, he really misses me." He tried to explain. "After all the shit I put him through he still misses me." What shit had he put him through? Nowhere near the train wreck Emil constantly endured when Leon was in his life, but Emil was no victim. He too could be deceiving, telling Leon that without him, Emil would have nothing to live for. And yet here he was, living. And Emil's last message to him had not been so kind. It was the first and only time Emil could ever remember truly telling Leon off. He had stood up for himself, and he was still blaming himself for everything.

"What do you mean?" Lukas questioned. His voice rose a bit, and Emil felt the need to step back, fearing he would be lashed out at, but he stood his ground.

"You've been beating yourself over this boy for months now!" Lukas exclaimed, rolling his eye in disgust. "You've sat there feeling like shit over a kid who's shown you nothing but pain and disaster."

"He's been hurting too!" Emil tried to argue back. Of course he was in pain, he had made Leon his whole world! Isolating himself just so all his attention could be directed to the man who made him feel worthy and loved. But Leon was suffering as well, it was made obvious in his text! Emil felt needed. But Lukas couldn't get through to Emil that was not the case.

"You're acting like an idiot." He said with a disgusted tone. "He has you wrapped around his finger and you seem to like the pain." He said. Emil felt himself shaking again, and the pain in his chest was returning. Why couldn't Lukas be understanding?

"What's even with you? You're acting like an ass!" Emil retaliated, changing the subject like he always did when Lukas spoke the truth, especially when he was speaking the truth in anger, because it seemed to make it all more real to Emil, like a billboard smacking him in the face, screaming 'You're wrong you dumbass!'

Lukas growled under his breath, as if to say 'how dare you!' Emil was in no position to call HIM an ass when Emil was sitting there like a prey, ready be once more attacked by lions. Or in this case, Leon. Lukas just scoffed.

"As if you would care about anyone other than your precious boyfriend. You wouldn't know that Mathias and I have been fighting. You failed to notice anything outside your little world or Emil and Leon." He was purposely jabbing Emil where it hurt most, just like Mathias had jabbed at him. Emil grew quiet.

It was true. He hadn't noticed anything, but not it was blatantly obvious. Buffy eyes, the quickness to anger. Lukas was facing his own kinds of hurt, and here Emil had been, once more pressing his problems onto his brother.

"Lukas. I...I am so sorry." Emil tried to explain. "Look you've helped me so much, if there is anything I can do…"

"You know what you can do?" Lukas said, looking up at him, no sincerity in his eyes. They seemed to lack anything except for hurt. "You can leave me alone. I'm telling you not to message Leon back. But you don't listen to me anyways." And with that, Lukas stood up. He was tired of conversation, and all he wanted was to take a few more pills and lie down. He was tired, and all he wished to do was sleep. Emil grew silent. He wanted to help. Oh God how he wanted to help his forlorn brother, but Lukas was already gone by the time he thought to even try and offer it, and Emil knew his company was unwanted now. He gripped his phone.

He was so selfish. All he wanted was to be helped, and he never thought to help anyone else. And now they were both alone. But if Lukas didn't want help with his problems, that was on him. Emil still had another he could talk to. He could call Mathias. Would it be betrayal? Considering the news he had just learned, in Lukas's eyes it might be. But Mathias was always very caring and understanding with Emil. He could help him with his Leon problem, and then Emil could offer any of his help to Mathias, who he knew would be hurting right now as well, but Mathias always did a better job at hiding it from others, especially from Emil, who he never wanted to see him sad.

Emil hurried back to his room where he would be unheard by Lukas, who was falling asleep anyways. He sat back on his bed and reread Leon's message. Anytime they were on break, and Leon messaged Emil in an attempt to get him back, it always took Emil a very long time to respond, even without going off and asking people for advice. And it was because he feared replying too soon. If he seemed too eager, maybe Leon would regret his decision, but if he completely ignored him, he was bound to lose interest and Emil would once more be stuck alone. He sighed to himself and gripped his phone. He wished Mathias was within distance of reaching, but he was still in Denmark, and he probably had no plans to come to Norway if he and Lukas were fighting. He settled on calling him. That would probably be the best way.

He dialed the older man's number and waited, chewing on a hangnail from his thumb that was bothering him. It took three rings before Mathias answered. He sounded hoarse, but otherwise his tone was still comforting.

"Hey Icey! What's up?" He asked, showing no signs of being upset at all. Emil never would have guessed that he was in an ongoing fight with his best friend, though knowing Mathias, he would do everything in his power not to let it on either. Emil removed the finger from his mouth and mumbled out a reply.

"Leon messaged me." He explained, and the other line grew silent. For a fraction of a moment Emil feared that Mathias too would because angry, and do nothing to help him, but instead, Mathias spoke up in a caring tone.

"I see. What did it say?" He asked. Emil had been dreading that answer. At least with Lukas the option of letting him read it himself was there. But with Mathias he'd have to actually read the message out loud, and Emil doubted he could, so he settled on just summing it up again.

"He misses me. And he says he's sorry." Once more the line grew silent, as if Mathias was thinking long and hard about what he should say next, and Mathias had every reason to. If he said the wrong things, Emil would become paranoid and upset.

"Well who wouldn't miss ya? You're the sweetest kid I know." Mathias said, making Emil roll his eyes. Mathias had this thing where he always tried making Emil feel god by complimenting him, but Mathias had done it so much now, it had little effect on him. It was like trying to put a crumpled up dollar in a pop machine. It's never accepted despite being exactly what he needs.

"Did you message him back?" Mathias asked, to which Emil shook his head, before remembering they were on the phone.

"No. I should though. I miss him." He explained, to which Emil could picture Mathias sighing and shaking his head.

"Emil, Leon is very toxic. Look at what he's done to you." He tried to explain, but Emil wasn't ready to hear any of it.

"What about what I have done to him?" He questioned, raising his voice slightly. "I force him to leave all the time because of my behavior." He almost yelled. But Mathias kept his normal tone, seeming unfazed by Emil's sudden outburst, and why should he be? He was miles away from Emil's fit.

"He leaves because he uses you up. But when he needs something he comes right back to you, and you hand it right to him." Mathias tried to explain. But again, Emil didn't want to hear it.

"Why is that a problem? I love him! He should be allowed to use me. That's how things work." He said.

"Emil can you even hear yourself?" Mathias questioned. "You sound like a battered spouse. "He tried to explain, to which Emil scoffed.

"And you sound like an overbearing mother." He retaliated, but once more Mathias seemed unaffected. It grew silent, and suddenly Mathias was sounding much quieter than usual.

"I don't know what to tell you Emil." He said. "You have to do what feels right to yourself. This kid is bad for you. But if I can't convince you of that then you are just going to have to learn on your own. I can't help you if you don't listen anyways."

It was Emil's turn to be silent now. None of this was what he wanted to hear. He wanted to know what to do, not be told what was best for him. Letting Leon go couldn't be the best thing for him. It wouldn't hurt like this if it was. He would feel good. He wouldn't be doubting anything. If it was the right thing, he would know. At least that's what he told himself. But of course, going back to Leon couldn't be the exact correct choice either, could it? He always got hurt. Could he even change that? Sometimes he just thought that that was how things were supposed to be, despite everyone telling him otherwise.

After a moment of Emil contemplating on how he should respond, Mathias decided for him. The older man could no longer bare to watch all his friends crumble. So he would have to take things into his own hands and do the one thing he hadn't done for a while.

He was going to do something that helped himself.

"Emil, I am really sorry, but I can't deal with this right now. I am going through my own shit, and I want to help you, but it's useless if you won't change your heart. I can't always catch you. Right now, I need to catch myself."

Emil opened his mouth. He was being so selfish. He hadn't even bothered to ask Mathias if he was okay, though he probably wasn't supposed to know that he and Lukas were currently having problems. He really did care about others, but it was moments like that that he proved to himself that he wasn't as good as people sometimes made him out to be. Look how he treated the people who really cared about him, over someone who only sometimes treated him well. He wanted to speak, but Mathias didn't give him the opportunity to.

"I know you want to help, but right now, I think the best thing for the both of us it to try and figure things out for themselves." He said, and Emil could practically feel the disappointed and hurt look Mathias had on his face through the phone. Emil didn't try to object because, just like Lukas, once Mathias's mind was made up, he wouldn't hear anything more on the subject. All three of them were stubborn like that.

"Do what you want, and I'll support you through it, no matter what happens. But please think Emil. Do you want to go through all this again?" Emil didn't respond to the question. He didn't have an answer.

"Kveðja við brottför." Emil said, before hanging up. It was one of Emil's cruel tricks that he played on others when he was upset. He would speak in his native language, and often, they'd have no idea what he was saying. The usual exception was Lukas.

Emil was stuck now. He had ran out of help. No one was coming to protect him. No one was going to stop him. And even if they tried, he would never listen.

This was all his fault. He knew that. He had pushed away the people who really cared about him, and now he felt alone. No one was going to catch him, and he didn't know how to catch himself. He felt tears well in his eyes, and he grew angry. How selfish was he? That he would cry over people not wanting to help fix his mistakes. How cruel was he that he would constantly put everyone through his problems? He felt alone. And right then all he wanted was a friend to tell him he would be okay. But all his friends were gone. They didn't want to put up with what he put himself through. And Emil couldn't blame them. He was such a mistake. Everything he did was wrong. Everyone who left him had the right to not want to put up with his tears, with his hate, with anything he ever brought out.

But who was the one who always came back? Who was the one who seemed to help him when he was in his lowest? Emil stared down at his black phone.

Had he done this all on his own. Had he not cried. Had Lukas not screamed at him. Had Mathias attempted to make Emil smile. Maybe he could have done it. Maybe he could have finally let go of the bad habit that was Leon. But now he was alone, and hurt, and there was one person waiting for him.

He opened up Leon's message and read it. He wanted to help him. He always wanted to be there for him, even when they were apart.

Emil was pushed back into the arms of the one boy who stood by him. He cried as he typed out the message, begging Leon to come back. That he was lonely, and missed his sweet scent and the calming words he would share with him when Emil was in a dark place. He missed loving him. He wanted to be with him again. He wanted to be the one.

And once more, Emil fell back in. Once more he was wrapped up in the boy who constantly dragged him down, and he was so happy to be accepted. Because no matter what Leon put him through. He was still always there. Whether it be through words of hate or kisses of love.

Emil's phone buzzed ten minutes after his declaration.

"I've missed you so much Emil. I love you too. I am so sorry you're lonely. But you'll always have me."

When Lukas runs away. When Mathias hides. No matter what the others said. Leon loved him. His actions didn't always show it, but only people who loved you begged to be with you right?

"You're mine Emil." Leon reminded the boy, who smiled at the text. This felt familiar. This was home. Speaking to Leon. Him loving him.

For better or for worse.


End file.
